1
00:00:20,350 --> 00:00:27,739
Good evening. It's good to be back with
you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is.

2
00:00:27,740 --> 00:00:31,019
And in a packed programme tonight, we
shall be meeting the runcorn woman who

3
00:00:31,020 --> 00:00:34,379
married a gasboard fitter and complains
that on her wedding night, three of them

4
00:00:34,380 --> 00:00:35,430
turned up.

5
00:00:35,431 --> 00:00:40,099
One to estimate the job, one to do it,
and one to pick up the bits in the

6
00:00:40,100 --> 00:00:41,150
morning.

7
00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:47,839
Then I'll be talking to a tinsley man
who got into the headlines yesterday

8
00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:50,640
he sat on a lathe and gave himself a
nasty turn.

9
00:00:52,220 --> 00:00:53,480
But first, the news.

10
00:00:53,481 --> 00:00:57,609
After three years of hard work, Irish
intelligence experts today cracked

11
00:00:57,610 --> 00:00:58,810
Britain's highway code.

12
00:01:03,370 --> 00:01:09,589
At the indoor horticultural show today,
first place in the all -comers

13
00:01:09,590 --> 00:01:14,730
posy class was taken by Mr. T .A. Rose
with two bunches of pansies.

14
00:01:15,050 --> 00:01:18,290
The second place was taken by two
pansies with a bunch of roses.

15
00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:24,250
And trouble at Dartmoor Prison today
when a bomb destroyed the toilet block.

16
00:01:24,251 --> 00:01:27,999
Local residents have complained that
since then at least 20 inmates have been

17
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,200
seen going over the wall.

18
00:01:32,900 --> 00:01:38,459
French wine growers fear that this
year's vintage may be entirely spoiled

19
00:01:38,460 --> 00:01:39,720
the great tread of sit -in.

20
00:01:45,540 --> 00:01:48,580
But now, a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie
Corbett.

21
00:01:48,581 --> 00:01:52,209
who recently gained a degree in
mathematics from the Open University and

22
00:01:52,210 --> 00:01:54,440
looking out for a job as a pocket
calculator.

23
00:02:05,810 --> 00:02:06,860
Hello?

24
00:02:08,070 --> 00:02:09,120
Anybody there?

25
00:02:10,789 --> 00:02:11,890
Ah, good morning.

26
00:02:14,470 --> 00:02:16,640
I'm sorry, I meant... Oh, sorry, sorry,
sorry.

27
00:02:16,850 --> 00:02:17,900
I meant to...

28
00:02:18,030 --> 00:02:24,709
I meant to... Good morning, Miss

29
00:02:24,710 --> 00:02:26,030
Prendergast. You're early.

30
00:02:26,561 --> 00:02:28,589
Ah, good morning.

31
00:02:28,590 --> 00:02:29,640
Oh, I'm sorry.

32
00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:31,210
Good morning, sir. Good morning.

33
00:02:31,410 --> 00:02:34,250
Could I have two pounds of potatoes,
please?

34
00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:38,670
No, no, no, sir. This is an optician,
sir.

35
00:02:38,990 --> 00:02:41,820
What? Opticians. Look, it says so over
the door. Oh, sorry.

36
00:02:41,821 --> 00:02:45,629
It doesn't matter, because I was coming
in here anyway, because I've got it down

37
00:02:45,630 --> 00:02:46,680
on my list.

38
00:02:46,681 --> 00:02:48,029
Greengrocer's an optician, you see?

39
00:02:48,030 --> 00:02:49,080
Oh, I see, yes.

40
00:02:50,270 --> 00:02:55,109
It was the wife's idea, actually. Oh,
yes. Do sit down, will you? Thank you

41
00:02:55,110 --> 00:02:56,129
much.

42
00:02:56,130 --> 00:03:02,990
You're new here, aren't you? Yes, I've
been here about six months, yes.

43
00:03:02,991 --> 00:03:04,909
Yes, I thought I hadn't seen you before.

44
00:03:04,910 --> 00:03:06,830
Yes, the other lady left to get married.

45
00:03:07,190 --> 00:03:08,830
But you're not a lady, are you?

46
00:03:09,130 --> 00:03:11,230
No, no, no, no. I just took her job, you
see.

47
00:03:11,530 --> 00:03:14,900
Would you care for a cup of tea? I just
made one. That's very nice, yes.

48
00:03:14,950 --> 00:03:17,770
Now, tell me, what seems to be the
trouble?

49
00:03:17,771 --> 00:03:23,609
Well, I've just got the feeling that my
sight isn't quite what it used to be,

50
00:03:23,610 --> 00:03:24,109
you see.

51
00:03:24,110 --> 00:03:25,049
Yes, yes, yes.

52
00:03:25,050 --> 00:03:26,550
Whatever makes you think that.

53
00:03:28,380 --> 00:03:32,719
I started bumping into people at the
office, you know. People I work with.

54
00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:36,219
really? Yes. What sort of people? Well,
the people I share the office with, you

55
00:03:36,220 --> 00:03:38,839
see. I kept bumping into them and
realised I hadn't seen them properly for

56
00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:39,890
long time. Oh, dear.

57
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:41,760
Do you take sugar? No, no sugar for me.

58
00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:44,180
Right, there we are, then.

59
00:03:44,181 --> 00:03:48,039
You have that. Do sit down, and we'll
see if we can work something out for

60
00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:48,919
Thank you. Thank you very much.

61
00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:53,059
It can be rather inconvenient, you know,
spectacles, and I don't know, do you

62
00:03:53,060 --> 00:03:54,059
wear them at all?

63
00:03:54,060 --> 00:03:57,559
Well, I must confess, yes, I do wear
them, yes, but only for reading and for

64
00:03:57,560 --> 00:03:58,760
seeing things, you know.

65
00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:03,380
Yes, well, I was passing by, so I
thought I'd just sort of pop in, you

66
00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:04,570
Yes, yes.

67
00:04:04,571 --> 00:04:06,899
Well, you obviously need something a lot
stronger.

68
00:04:06,900 --> 00:04:08,280
Yes, I do. Thank you very much.

69
00:04:09,609 --> 00:04:13,289
Well, I'll tell you what we'll do. Yes.
We'll just have a look at some eye

70
00:04:13,290 --> 00:04:16,190
charts, shall we? Yes. And we'll test
your eyes. Right, yes.

71
00:04:24,590 --> 00:04:29,929
Is there a

72
00:04:29,930 --> 00:04:32,690
dog in here?

73
00:04:34,650 --> 00:04:38,320
No, no, no, that was me. I was just
scratching myself.

74
00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:41,080
Right, now then, let's start.

75
00:04:41,260 --> 00:04:44,390
Before we start, would you take off your
glasses, please? Yes.

76
00:04:44,391 --> 00:04:45,959
Are they off?

77
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:48,680
Yes. Oh, good. Yes, well, let's start.

78
00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:51,630
Start here from the top, would you,
reading? Right.

79
00:04:51,631 --> 00:04:55,059
I'm sorry, could you wave your arms
about? I've lost my sense of direction a

80
00:04:55,060 --> 00:04:56,110
bit.

81
00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:58,210
I'm over here. Oh, yes, sorry. That's
it.

82
00:05:02,321 --> 00:05:07,069
That's completely stumped me, that
chart. I'm sorry.

83
00:05:07,070 --> 00:05:09,369
Don't worry. We've got plenty more. Try
the one on the back.

84
00:05:09,370 --> 00:05:10,420
A.

85
00:05:12,010 --> 00:05:13,670
I say try the one on the back. No, A.

86
00:05:13,950 --> 00:05:15,510
Oh, A. No, no, not A. B.

87
00:05:15,850 --> 00:05:16,900
No, C. D.

88
00:05:16,901 --> 00:05:17,929
No, E.

89
00:05:17,930 --> 00:05:19,070
E. Very good, yes, E.

90
00:05:19,470 --> 00:05:20,910
Try the next line, would you?

91
00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:23,700
No, sorry. Don't worry, I'll give you a
clue.

92
00:05:23,950 --> 00:05:25,050
What do you see with?

93
00:05:25,750 --> 00:05:27,090
Your eye. Eye. Eye.

94
00:05:27,790 --> 00:05:29,730
And what do you do with your eye?

95
00:05:30,430 --> 00:05:31,480
See? See.

96
00:05:34,060 --> 00:05:35,440
Try the next line on your own.

97
00:05:39,220 --> 00:05:41,200
I'm sorry, is there a next line?

98
00:05:41,540 --> 00:05:42,590
No,

99
00:05:42,660 --> 00:05:44,040
probably not, probably not.

100
00:05:45,100 --> 00:05:49,019
You know, I'm sorry, I have to say this.
I almost didn't see any of that last

101
00:05:49,020 --> 00:05:51,899
chapter. Don't worry, it's just a
question of trial and error.

102
00:05:51,900 --> 00:05:52,950
Don't worry about it.

103
00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:54,440
Now then, let's have a look.

104
00:05:54,580 --> 00:05:55,630
What about that?

105
00:05:59,940 --> 00:06:03,500
Eh? And I didn't help at all with that
one.

106
00:06:03,790 --> 00:06:07,910
No, I don't. No, I've got... I... No,
that's the hat stand.

107
00:06:16,010 --> 00:06:18,130
H... No, you're reading all the
furniture.

108
00:06:23,210 --> 00:06:28,849
See if you can grab the end of this long
pole. Yes, I've got it. Have you got

109
00:06:28,850 --> 00:06:30,410
it? Yes. Thank goodness for that.

110
00:06:38,030 --> 00:06:41,350
I'm just going to get the test frames
now. We'll try a few less. Right.

111
00:06:41,650 --> 00:06:42,700
Yes, here we go.

112
00:06:45,810 --> 00:06:47,230
Right. Right, here we are.

113
00:06:47,610 --> 00:06:49,950
Now, we just... Just put these on.

114
00:06:50,370 --> 00:06:51,420
All right.

115
00:06:53,730 --> 00:06:55,350
That's it. Are they all right? Yes.

116
00:06:55,430 --> 00:06:56,480
Good. Now then.

117
00:06:57,450 --> 00:07:02,349
First of all, we have to black that one
out, you see? Yes, yes. Now, let's have

118
00:07:02,350 --> 00:07:03,850
a look one at each other. Uh -huh.

119
00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:11,920
Tell me, is that better or worse?

120
00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:14,080
That is worse. Oh.

121
00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:16,490
Well, let's see now.

122
00:07:16,700 --> 00:07:18,220
What about that?

123
00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:19,810
How's that?

124
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:26,840
That's fractionally better.

125
00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:31,260
What about if I do that? No, that's
worse.

126
00:07:31,261 --> 00:07:35,559
All right, that's it. Well, that is your
prescription. Then I'll just... All we

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00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:38,880
need now is to find out what sort of
frames you would like. Yes.

128
00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:40,720
Off you go. Follow me. Right.

129
00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:43,040
I... Sorry.

130
00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:47,660
Now, let's see what sort of frames we've
got here.

131
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:49,050
Now, here we are.

132
00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:51,180
Try this nice red pair on. There we are.

133
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:52,490
Let me have those.

134
00:07:53,300 --> 00:07:54,350
Thank you.

135
00:07:54,351 --> 00:07:57,219
Try those. Have a look at those. There
you are. Look in the hand mirror. See

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00:07:57,220 --> 00:07:58,270
what you think.

137
00:08:03,180 --> 00:08:05,040
I think this makes me look a little old.

138
00:08:05,041 --> 00:08:09,599
Oh, yes, it does, doesn't it? Oh, wait a
minute, this is not a mirror. This is a

139
00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:12,819
photograph of an old lady. Oh, they're
no good at all. Have you any others at

140
00:08:12,820 --> 00:08:15,580
all? Well, there's these.

141
00:08:15,581 --> 00:08:17,219
What about these?

142
00:08:17,220 --> 00:08:18,800
These are... Oh, wonderful!

143
00:08:18,801 --> 00:08:22,759
I can see everything as clearly as I...
Oh, they're mine, they're mine. No, no,

144
00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:23,799
these are yours. There.

145
00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:26,280
Are you sure? Yes, you... Good gracious!

146
00:08:27,770 --> 00:08:29,570
things become clear to me. Wonderful.

147
00:08:29,571 --> 00:08:33,189
Isn't that lovely? I trust you just send
me on the bill? Certainly not. I

148
00:08:33,190 --> 00:08:36,889
wouldn't dream of such a thing. No, no,
no. I mean, you've helped me just as

149
00:08:36,890 --> 00:08:37,788
much as I've helped you.

150
00:08:37,789 --> 00:08:38,189
Last

151
00:08:38,190 --> 00:08:46,789
year

152
00:08:46,790 --> 00:08:51,069
I spoke to you appealing for help for
those who, like myself, have trouble

153
00:08:51,070 --> 00:08:52,120
worms.

154
00:08:54,530 --> 00:08:56,820
They can't pronounce their worms
correctly.

155
00:08:56,821 --> 00:09:02,369
Now, I am the secretary for the Loyal
Society for the Relief of Sufferers from

156
00:09:02,370 --> 00:09:03,420
Pismonunciation.

157
00:09:06,810 --> 00:09:11,249
Now, the reason I am once more squeaking
to you tonight is that many people last

158
00:09:11,250 --> 00:09:13,600
time couldn't understand what I was
spraying.

159
00:09:13,601 --> 00:09:17,449
So I am back again on your little queens
to strain it and make it all queer for

160
00:09:17,450 --> 00:09:18,500
you.

161
00:09:19,530 --> 00:09:21,410
It's a terrible thong to be ting -tied.

162
00:09:21,411 --> 00:09:28,589
It's even worse when your weirds get all
mucked up and come out in wakase that

163
00:09:28,590 --> 00:09:30,820
you dick -knock what you're thugging
again.

164
00:09:33,130 --> 00:09:36,070
Like I did just then, only crutch much
nurse.

165
00:09:39,150 --> 00:09:44,129
Now, it can be cured by careful draining
at special draining stools, which the

166
00:09:44,130 --> 00:09:46,480
society has fed up all over the Twittish
Isles.

167
00:09:47,070 --> 00:09:51,109
And for the really dicky -felt cases, we
have a three -week bash course on the

168
00:09:51,110 --> 00:09:52,160
Isle of Fright.

169
00:09:52,161 --> 00:09:55,899
The doctors can get to grips with the
patients, and the nurses can get to

170
00:09:55,900 --> 00:09:58,730
with the doctors, and everyone has a
dolly good climate.

171
00:09:58,731 --> 00:10:02,959
Except the patients, of course, who find
it dudley dell. A dudley deal. Dilly

172
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:04,010
doll.

173
00:10:04,140 --> 00:10:06,120
Or, in other words, bitefully flooring.

174
00:10:06,121 --> 00:10:09,819
People have tried to cure themselves.
They stand in front of their bod room

175
00:10:09,820 --> 00:10:13,040
mirror and say, every day, in every way,
I get bitter and butter.

176
00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:16,270
But it doesn't cure them. You can bot
your wife.

177
00:10:17,140 --> 00:10:18,460
And most of them usually do.

178
00:10:19,340 --> 00:10:22,650
The disease is spreading. It affects
people from all walks of life.

179
00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:25,960
Members of the swivel service, lawyers,
silly sodders.

180
00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:31,170
Commercial dribblers, cock keepers and
whackery furkers.

181
00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:33,860
Especially on the nightshirt.

182
00:10:34,660 --> 00:10:37,790
And, of course, famous piddly -titions
like Widdly Hamilton.

183
00:10:40,020 --> 00:10:41,740
Not forgetting Peanog Owl.

184
00:10:42,740 --> 00:10:47,719
Stars of Screege and Stain like Black
Migraine, Frantic Howard and Peculiar

185
00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:48,770
Clark.

186
00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:52,770
And, of course, rude old Nuria for the
Barry Dangler.

187
00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:04,139
How can you help? Well, for a tart, it's
no good... It's no good simply trying

188
00:11:04,140 --> 00:11:07,159
to correct people when they suffer from
this complaining distress.

189
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:09,000
My wife does it to me all the time.

190
00:11:09,380 --> 00:11:10,880
Lucky old you, I hear you swear.

191
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:16,119
No, no, I mean she corrects me when I
get any ring thong, and it makes me

192
00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:17,170
and ingrate.

193
00:11:17,970 --> 00:11:19,830
Last time I backed her up the kick side.

194
00:11:20,870 --> 00:11:21,920
We need money.

195
00:11:21,990 --> 00:11:23,040
Your money.

196
00:11:23,250 --> 00:11:27,109
You may row ashore that it will be put
to the best possible use by myself and

197
00:11:27,110 --> 00:11:28,190
large and loyal stiff.

198
00:11:29,370 --> 00:11:31,390
Send your chocks or pistol orders today.

199
00:11:32,990 --> 00:11:34,390
Smash open your baggy pink.

200
00:11:35,370 --> 00:11:38,560
Dip your hand into your wife's bags and
send us a few cod hoppers.

201
00:11:39,790 --> 00:11:42,470
Why not simply slip a pond newt into an
envelope?

202
00:11:43,390 --> 00:11:46,270
Send your donations to me, Popter
Poggesmish.

203
00:11:46,530 --> 00:11:50,070
My new address, 51 Doobly Road, Kiddling
Dorset.

204
00:11:50,750 --> 00:11:54,780
I'll just repeat that, Dr Smidger Posh,
Wifty Fun Doobly Road, Kiddling Dorset.

205
00:11:55,790 --> 00:11:59,100
Thank you for glistening. Good night and
a crappy Christmas to you.

206
00:12:31,210 --> 00:12:32,970
The tourist season in London.

207
00:12:33,430 --> 00:12:37,670
Excited foreigners pour in from all over
the globe, lured by London's glamour,

208
00:12:37,710 --> 00:12:41,709
its unrivaled pageant of history, and
its shady night spots, where anything

209
00:12:41,710 --> 00:12:43,630
might happen and hardly ever does.

210
00:12:44,570 --> 00:12:49,110
But this particular season has its own
special grisly extra attraction.

211
00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:51,020
Murder.

212
00:12:52,850 --> 00:12:54,230
A dead yokel.

213
00:12:54,690 --> 00:12:56,850
One of a long line of dead yokels.

214
00:12:57,260 --> 00:13:01,110
whose bodies had been appearing with
increasing frequency throughout the

215
00:13:01,111 --> 00:13:08,559
Police were mystified. At Scotland Yard,
they were twiddling their thumbs and

216
00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:13,899
fidgeting with their feet. And a few
miles away, in Neasden, Charlie Farley,

217
00:13:13,900 --> 00:13:17,799
important half of that well -known two
-man team, waited for the other one -and

218
00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:19,660
-a -half, Iggy Malone, to return.

219
00:13:26,540 --> 00:13:28,340
My search was completely fruitless.

220
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:30,300
All the greengrocers are shut.

221
00:13:30,301 --> 00:13:33,359
Never mind greengrocers, read this.

222
00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:36,779
Never mind, never mind greengrocers.
I've got to get fresh fruit if I'm going

223
00:13:36,780 --> 00:13:37,659
stay on this diet.

224
00:13:37,660 --> 00:13:38,980
It's the only thing I fancy.

225
00:13:39,580 --> 00:13:41,930
Well, read that. That'll make your mouth
water.

226
00:13:41,931 --> 00:13:43,159
Well, what is it?

227
00:13:43,160 --> 00:13:45,150
Real front page stuff. That's what it
is.

228
00:13:45,220 --> 00:13:47,800
Where? It's a real inside story, this
is.

229
00:13:48,500 --> 00:13:51,330
Well, make your mind up. Is it on the
front page or inside?

230
00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:52,730
Next page.

231
00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:59,760
You will notice there, side by side, two
almost identical features.

232
00:14:00,300 --> 00:14:01,640
Yeah. Nice, isn't it?

233
00:14:05,020 --> 00:14:06,780
Not page three, page two.

234
00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:10,959
Two stories. Both murders, both young
men, both in London, both with their

235
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:12,280
trousers tied with string.

236
00:14:12,380 --> 00:14:14,080
What are they trying to hide?

237
00:14:14,660 --> 00:14:15,710
I don't know.

238
00:14:15,711 --> 00:14:19,659
What would you be trying to hide if you
tied your trousers up with string?

239
00:14:19,660 --> 00:14:21,080
My point in a nutshell.

240
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:22,410
Well, there you are.

241
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:31,379
Both men were identically dressed, and
the railway tickets and the possessions

242
00:14:31,380 --> 00:14:35,420
in the pockets proved that they both
come from the same village in Devon.

243
00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:36,930
Drake's Bottom.

244
00:14:38,780 --> 00:14:39,830
Drake's what?

245
00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:41,830
Exactly.

246
00:14:42,620 --> 00:14:43,740
Funny name, isn't it?

247
00:14:44,180 --> 00:14:46,650
Sounds like a polite way of describing a
haircut.

248
00:14:48,620 --> 00:14:52,859
Is that really a village? Well, I've
looked it up in the railway guide. The

249
00:14:52,860 --> 00:14:55,140
train leaves 8 .30 in the morning.

250
00:14:55,340 --> 00:14:59,509
Train? You're not suggesting we get on a
train to Devon, are you? Well, I'm not

251
00:14:59,510 --> 00:15:00,869
going all the way on a tandem.

252
00:15:00,870 --> 00:15:03,700
And you wait in my butterfly equipment
bouncing around.

253
00:15:05,750 --> 00:15:08,430
No, I mean, are you suggesting we take
the case?

254
00:15:08,850 --> 00:15:12,350
Certainly. This village obviously holds
a secret.

255
00:15:12,890 --> 00:15:16,440
These two men were murdered because they
were about to spill the beans.

256
00:15:16,850 --> 00:15:17,900
It's exciting.

257
00:15:18,470 --> 00:15:19,890
All right, all right.

258
00:15:20,270 --> 00:15:23,990
But I shall travel as Mickey Dunn, the
famous crime novelist.

259
00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:26,890
What will you wear?

260
00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:28,600
What I'm wearing now?

261
00:15:28,601 --> 00:15:31,499
Well, what's the point of changing your
name?

262
00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:34,819
Look, who you are has nothing to do with
the clothes you wear nowadays, is it,

263
00:15:34,820 --> 00:15:38,279
eh? I mean, some of them writers are
very scruffy, you know. Oh, I think

264
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:39,330
be all right.

265
00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:45,380
Of course, you, you will have to travel
as Algy, my schoolboy nephew.

266
00:15:46,020 --> 00:15:47,100
Ah, why's that?

267
00:15:47,620 --> 00:15:49,140
Oh, fair, isn't it?

268
00:16:35,470 --> 00:16:36,520
room for two in here?

269
00:16:36,610 --> 00:16:37,770
Oh, I think so.

270
00:16:38,630 --> 00:16:40,550
We're both small ones, aren't we?

271
00:16:41,470 --> 00:16:43,590
No, I mean two more.

272
00:16:44,130 --> 00:16:45,330
Me and my uncle.

273
00:16:46,170 --> 00:16:47,220
He's a big one.

274
00:16:48,010 --> 00:16:49,310
Oh, I see.

275
00:16:49,950 --> 00:16:53,730
And yes, I'm going to the restaurant car
in a minute anyway.

276
00:16:53,731 --> 00:16:55,229
Oh, fine.

277
00:16:55,230 --> 00:16:57,030
It's all right in here, Uncle Mickey.

278
00:16:57,031 --> 00:17:00,829
There's only one person in here. It's a
very old lady. She won't be with us for

279
00:17:00,830 --> 00:17:01,880
very much longer.

280
00:17:05,869 --> 00:17:07,249
Oh, yeah, I see what you mean.

281
00:17:07,810 --> 00:17:08,860
Oh!

282
00:17:16,410 --> 00:17:18,390
You all right? Yeah.

283
00:17:20,290 --> 00:17:22,640
One of your balls is rolling out the
door, look.

284
00:17:25,230 --> 00:17:26,569
Take the net out, that's it.

285
00:17:27,050 --> 00:17:28,100
There we are.

286
00:17:29,390 --> 00:17:31,380
I don't know why you brought this at
all.

287
00:17:36,221 --> 00:17:42,109
Could you go and just sit over there,
please? You're making the place a bit

288
00:17:42,110 --> 00:17:43,160
untidy.

289
00:17:59,290 --> 00:18:00,340
Sorry, sorry.

290
00:18:03,270 --> 00:18:05,690
I think I'll go to the restaurant and
call now.

291
00:18:06,610 --> 00:18:08,900
Oh, I wouldn't want you to go before
your time.

292
00:18:10,540 --> 00:18:11,800
to the restaurant car now.

293
00:18:16,700 --> 00:18:18,080
We already just got that.

294
00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:20,140
Lucky the barrier was still open. Yeah.

295
00:18:20,141 --> 00:18:22,919
The trouble is I didn't have time to get
any tickets.

296
00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:24,959
Still, it's all money saved, isn't it,
mate?

297
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:26,010
Look at that cow.

298
00:18:26,011 --> 00:18:30,699
It's all right for you saying that, but
of course I'm in double trouble, aren't

299
00:18:30,700 --> 00:18:31,780
I? How do you mean?

300
00:18:31,781 --> 00:18:36,159
Well, not only am I trying to travel
half fare, but I'm trying to avoid

301
00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:37,210
that as well.

302
00:18:37,211 --> 00:18:40,499
So if the inspector catches me for not
paying half fare, then he can catch me

303
00:18:40,500 --> 00:18:43,779
again for trying to pay half fare,
instead of the full fare, as opposed to

304
00:18:43,780 --> 00:18:45,220
who are only paying full fare.

305
00:18:47,740 --> 00:18:48,880
Well, that sounds fair.

306
00:18:50,420 --> 00:18:51,620
Well, half fare, anyway.

307
00:18:54,111 --> 00:18:56,159
There's another one.

308
00:18:56,160 --> 00:19:00,259
What? So what are we going to do, then?
I mean, he'll be here soon. He's in the

309
00:19:00,260 --> 00:19:01,310
next carriage.

310
00:19:01,311 --> 00:19:05,679
Tell you what, I'll disappear, and you
tell him that your uncle, Mr Mickey

311
00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:06,760
has got the ticket fee.

312
00:19:06,761 --> 00:19:09,069
The name might impress him. Perhaps he's
read my book.

313
00:19:09,070 --> 00:19:12,069
Oh, don't forget to use your little
schoolboy voice, though. Otherwise the

314
00:19:12,070 --> 00:19:13,569
disguise means nothing, doesn't it?

315
00:19:13,570 --> 00:19:14,770
What are you going to do?

316
00:19:15,630 --> 00:19:16,950
I'll lock myself in the loo.

317
00:19:29,550 --> 00:19:30,730
Great heavens!

318
00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:38,210
Tickets, please.

319
00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:41,620
My uncle, Mickey Dunn, has got my
ticket, sir.

320
00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:43,170
And where is he?

321
00:19:44,220 --> 00:19:46,460
He's popped out for a moment, sir.

322
00:19:47,660 --> 00:19:48,710
OK.

323
00:19:48,860 --> 00:19:51,150
You're not going to make a catapult, are
you?

324
00:19:51,380 --> 00:19:53,760
Oh, no, sir, it's just I've got a
terrible cold.

325
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:58,400
And I'm going to Devon for the conker
season, sir.

326
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:01,500
And what is your uncle's name?

327
00:20:02,300 --> 00:20:05,000
Mickey Dunn, sir. Well -known crime
writer, sir.

328
00:20:14,129 --> 00:20:16,230
Okay. Hey, are you done?

329
00:20:21,230 --> 00:20:22,280
Not yet, no.

330
00:20:31,630 --> 00:20:32,810
I dodged him.

331
00:20:33,010 --> 00:20:34,060
Look at these, Chief.

332
00:20:42,549 --> 00:20:47,949
Our two heroes stood amazed,
dumbfounded. What was the significance

333
00:20:47,950 --> 00:20:48,929
grisly clues?

334
00:20:48,930 --> 00:20:50,750
Was it murder on the Exeter Express?

335
00:20:51,090 --> 00:20:52,890
What was up at Drake's Bottom?

336
00:20:54,230 --> 00:20:57,930
Find out next week in the second
exciting episode of Stop.

337
00:20:58,710 --> 00:21:00,110
You're killing me.

338
00:21:08,650 --> 00:21:10,830
Ladies and gentlemen, the Nolan sisters.

339
00:24:01,580 --> 00:24:05,080
I think I'll have a pint of, um... What,
light? No. Brown? No.

340
00:24:05,660 --> 00:24:09,030
Marge? No. Bitter? Bitter. Have a pint
of bitter. A pint of bitter. Yeah.

341
00:24:09,031 --> 00:24:12,979
Well, how are you doing, eh? All right.
Marge and Grumble.

342
00:24:12,980 --> 00:24:14,030
Marge and Grumble.

343
00:24:15,500 --> 00:24:18,780
Just been at the, um... Up club? No.
What, the donk's one? No.

344
00:24:21,500 --> 00:24:22,550
Fish shop? No.

345
00:24:27,681 --> 00:24:33,169
Only I've been having a bit of trouble
with my, um... Chest?

346
00:24:33,170 --> 00:24:34,220
No. Ears?

347
00:24:35,230 --> 00:24:36,280
Waterworks?

348
00:24:36,281 --> 00:24:37,929
No, wife.

349
00:24:37,930 --> 00:24:38,980
Oh, wife.

350
00:24:40,210 --> 00:24:41,260
No.

351
00:24:42,370 --> 00:24:46,750
Only she's got it in her head that I'm a
little bit, I'm, um... Uh, what,

352
00:24:46,830 --> 00:24:48,310
annoyed with her? No, no, no.

353
00:24:48,311 --> 00:24:49,849
What, a drunk?

354
00:24:49,850 --> 00:24:51,070
No, um... What?

355
00:24:51,330 --> 00:24:55,030
No, uh... No, a bit under the weather.
Oh, I see.

356
00:24:55,031 --> 00:24:59,839
The doctor's examined me thoroughly,
says nothing to worry about at all.

357
00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:00,920
So it's all right. Yeah.

358
00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:02,800
Got me to drop my... Oh, yeah.

359
00:25:04,300 --> 00:25:05,860
Had a good look at my... Go on.

360
00:25:05,861 --> 00:25:11,259
He told me there was nothing to worry
about at all. He said, on the contrary,

361
00:25:11,260 --> 00:25:12,940
said I was very... First class? No.

362
00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:15,770
Fascinated? No.

363
00:25:16,780 --> 00:25:17,860
Not friendly? No.

364
00:25:20,500 --> 00:25:21,920
Fit, fit, very fit.

365
00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:28,140
You know, very fit for a man of... 90.

366
00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:29,450
No, no.

367
00:25:32,620 --> 00:25:34,420
It's nice to know, really. Yeah, yeah.

368
00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:37,980
Of course, I only went up there on
the... On the bus? No.

369
00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:41,200
On the off chance. On the off chance.

370
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:43,780
You been up there lately?

371
00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:46,210
No, I haven't. No, no. We changed it up
there now.

372
00:25:46,380 --> 00:25:50,880
Oh, dear, yeah. He's got this marvellous
great big new... Rolls Royce? No.

373
00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:54,720
Receptionist? Receptionist, yeah.

374
00:25:55,860 --> 00:25:59,560
Marvellous great big new set. Oh, she's
got it all... All up here? No.

375
00:26:19,031 --> 00:26:23,299
You know, I just stood there in a... In
a queue?

376
00:26:23,300 --> 00:26:24,350
No.

377
00:26:24,380 --> 00:26:25,460
What, in a vest? No.

378
00:26:26,360 --> 00:26:27,560
In a draught? No.

379
00:26:28,100 --> 00:26:29,760
In amazement. Oh, amazement.

380
00:26:32,860 --> 00:26:36,120
But I could compare a belt up there now,
you know.

381
00:26:36,121 --> 00:26:39,819
So now all this sexy quality business,
you know, none of them cubicles anymore.

382
00:26:39,820 --> 00:26:42,619
You know, all the fellas had to take off
their shirts and they stood against

383
00:26:42,620 --> 00:26:46,799
that wall over there. And all the ladies
took off their dresses and sat in...

384
00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:47,850
Sat in blouses? No.

385
00:26:49,610 --> 00:26:51,230
You're not sat in panties? No, no.

386
00:26:51,530 --> 00:26:52,890
Rose, sat in Rose.

387
00:26:53,110 --> 00:26:54,160
Oh, sat in Rose.

388
00:26:54,210 --> 00:27:00,290
Rose up there now, that young, um, that
young Julie.

389
00:27:00,590 --> 00:27:04,250
Julie? Yeah, you know, her mother's got
them two big, um... Teeth? No.

390
00:27:06,030 --> 00:27:07,080
Bay windows? What?

391
00:27:09,270 --> 00:27:10,530
Alsatians. Oh, Alsatians.

392
00:27:10,531 --> 00:27:15,469
She keeps taking them on the common and
they keep biting people in the, um... In

393
00:27:15,470 --> 00:27:16,520
the leg? What,

394
00:27:17,150 --> 00:27:18,770
in the front entrance? No, no, no.

395
00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:20,980
In the evenings. Oh, in the evenings.

396
00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:24,000
Yeah. Julie.

397
00:27:24,001 --> 00:27:28,079
Yeah, you know her, don't you? What was
she doing up there? Well, she was...

398
00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:31,999
Well, apparently she went with this
young fella one evening and they fell in

399
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:34,540
duck pond and now she's... Pregnant? No.

400
00:27:36,500 --> 00:27:37,550
Stagnant? No.

401
00:27:39,420 --> 00:27:43,260
Pregnant? Pregnant. No, no, no. Now
she's off work with a cut foot.

402
00:27:43,880 --> 00:27:44,930
Yeah,

403
00:27:44,931 --> 00:27:50,019
doctor said she was very lucky with that
duck. I mean, it could have been a lot

404
00:27:50,020 --> 00:27:52,610
worse. It could have been a septic...
Septic tank, yeah.

405
00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:55,970
Septic toenail. Oh.

406
00:27:57,100 --> 00:28:00,620
Shoes up there and... Yeah. Well, I'd
better get going off here.

407
00:28:00,820 --> 00:28:01,870
Are you off? Yeah.

408
00:28:01,871 --> 00:28:05,819
Thought I might go home tonight and give
the wife... Evening off from the

409
00:28:05,820 --> 00:28:06,699
washing up.

410
00:28:06,700 --> 00:28:08,500
Yeah. Bought a stout and a fish supper.

411
00:28:08,620 --> 00:28:09,940
A night she'd never forget.

412
00:28:10,920 --> 00:28:12,120
There's an idea, though.

413
00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:15,710
Thanks for the suggestions. I might give
her all three.

414
00:28:23,801 --> 00:28:30,249
Thank you very much, studio audience.
Thank you very much. You're lovely,

415
00:28:30,250 --> 00:28:31,249
are lovely.

416
00:28:31,250 --> 00:28:35,689
Here we are. We were just saying
backstage there, aren't they a fantastic

417
00:28:35,690 --> 00:28:38,770
audience? And what have we done to
deserve them?

418
00:28:41,110 --> 00:28:43,460
And who's going to tell them the coach
is gone?

419
00:28:45,150 --> 00:28:46,550
No, it hasn't.

420
00:28:47,890 --> 00:28:52,210
I just said that, you know, to sort of
bring the atmosphere down a bit.

421
00:28:52,211 --> 00:28:55,659
Now, if you're too happy, you know, the
people at home will think they're

422
00:28:55,660 --> 00:28:56,710
missing something.

423
00:28:57,420 --> 00:29:02,339
And except for the orgy scene, you know,
and the topless wire walkers, they've

424
00:29:02,340 --> 00:29:03,390
seen everything.

425
00:29:03,391 --> 00:29:07,799
Anyway, it's good to be back here and
back in the old chair, even though it's,

426
00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:09,479
you know, it's getting a little bit
uncomfortable.

427
00:29:09,480 --> 00:29:13,999
I did actually phone the controller of
the BBC and ask if I could have my chair

428
00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:19,239
stuffed. And an unfortunate phrase, I
suppose. And it's not my fault that he

429
00:29:19,240 --> 00:29:20,320
doesn't like the show.

430
00:29:23,100 --> 00:29:28,280
I may to tell you a very funny story
about a chap who goes out to shoot a

431
00:29:28,281 --> 00:29:32,719
By the way, in case there are any animal
lovers looking in, you know, or anyone

432
00:29:32,720 --> 00:29:37,820
else for that matter, I must tell you
that he doesn't actually shoot the bear.

433
00:29:37,821 --> 00:29:39,819
It's a perfectly harmless little story.

434
00:29:39,820 --> 00:29:41,930
When it was told to the queen, she
laughed.

435
00:29:42,580 --> 00:29:43,760
And so did Albert.

436
00:29:48,360 --> 00:29:49,600
There is this chap.

437
00:29:49,860 --> 00:29:51,320
There's this chap in America.

438
00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:55,520
And all his life, he's wanted to shoot a
bear in the Rockies.

439
00:29:55,940 --> 00:30:00,499
Now, why should... Do

440
00:30:00,500 --> 00:30:07,020
you mind if I say that again and see if
I can see the funny side of it?

441
00:30:09,160 --> 00:30:13,640
Why he should want to do a thing like
that, I don't know.

442
00:30:13,940 --> 00:30:18,219
Personally, myself, I couldn't kill a
fly. I tried it once and it got the

443
00:30:18,220 --> 00:30:19,270
of me.

444
00:30:19,710 --> 00:30:24,509
So this chap gets himself a gun, and off
he goes to hunt bears in the majestic

445
00:30:24,510 --> 00:30:27,630
grandeur of the Rocky Mountains. A
bonus.

446
00:30:28,090 --> 00:30:30,800
If you don't like the joke, you can
admire the scenery.

447
00:30:30,801 --> 00:30:35,309
You see now, don't you, that these jokes
are specially stolen, sorry, selected,

448
00:30:35,310 --> 00:30:40,709
for their utmost entertainment value. I
mean, I could have told you any old bear

449
00:30:40,710 --> 00:30:44,770
joke, such as the one where the baby
polar bear said to his mother, Mother!

450
00:30:46,170 --> 00:30:47,450
All right, we're done.

451
00:30:49,230 --> 00:30:51,010
We can't all be Percy Edwards here.

452
00:30:52,010 --> 00:30:53,060
Mother, he said.

453
00:30:53,150 --> 00:30:55,570
Mother, he said. Am I really a polar
bear?

454
00:30:55,810 --> 00:30:58,940
To which she replies, of course you're a
polar bear. What else?

455
00:30:59,310 --> 00:31:01,600
Suddenly we've got a Jewish polar bear
there.

456
00:31:03,800 --> 00:31:05,790
I don't know how that crept in, I'm
sure.

457
00:31:06,280 --> 00:31:08,270
I haven't done a bar mitzvah for a
month.

458
00:31:09,100 --> 00:31:12,500
A bit later he says, are you absolutely
sure I'm a polar bear?

459
00:31:12,760 --> 00:31:15,950
She says, what are you trying to do,
break your mother's heart?

460
00:31:16,300 --> 00:31:17,350
There I go again.

461
00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:20,890
I should never have had lunch with my
agent, you know.

462
00:31:22,500 --> 00:31:24,880
Well, I'm Scottish and she's Jewish, you
know.

463
00:31:25,520 --> 00:31:27,690
Such an embarrassing scene about the
bill.

464
00:31:31,850 --> 00:31:33,310
In the end, the waiter paid it.

465
00:31:37,110 --> 00:31:42,909
So the mother bear said, the mother bear
said, what makes you think you're not a

466
00:31:42,910 --> 00:31:43,769
polar bear?

467
00:31:43,770 --> 00:31:45,630
He said, because I'm bloody freezing.

468
00:31:46,710 --> 00:31:53,570
I'm sorry, a naughty word. I'm sorry
about that. It slipped out.

469
00:31:53,571 --> 00:31:56,059
I'll bet there'll be a few letters about
that.

470
00:31:56,060 --> 00:31:59,250
But I don't mind, to be honest. I've had
so little fan mail lately.

471
00:32:00,380 --> 00:32:02,340
I think our letterbox has healed up.

472
00:32:06,020 --> 00:32:09,859
You know, at one time, I used to think
that perhaps all my fan letters were

473
00:32:09,860 --> 00:32:11,439
going to the wrong address, to be
honest.

474
00:32:11,440 --> 00:32:15,359
I even started learning Hindustani, you
know, so that I could have a chat with

475
00:32:15,360 --> 00:32:16,410
our postman about it.

476
00:32:20,080 --> 00:32:23,580
But I only got as far as the pen of my
aunt is up the Kaiba and I gave up.

477
00:32:26,440 --> 00:32:30,179
I'm sorry to burden you with my
troubles, you know, but if you switch

478
00:32:30,180 --> 00:32:33,399
the other channel, you'll only pick up
in one of the middle of one of those,

479
00:32:33,400 --> 00:32:38,039
know, underwater films, you know, with
the crew of the Calypso searching the

480
00:32:38,040 --> 00:32:39,960
reef for the giant groper, you know.

481
00:32:42,100 --> 00:32:46,539
Anyway, if it's giant gropers you want,
you know, we've got a seven -foot scene

482
00:32:46,540 --> 00:32:49,439
shifter back here who's frightened more
chorus girls than old Jack Custer that

483
00:32:49,440 --> 00:32:50,490
has frog legs.

484
00:32:51,100 --> 00:32:54,640
But I digress. Back to the story. This
chap sets out to shoot a bear.

485
00:32:54,641 --> 00:32:58,739
And when he gets near the mountains, he
meets an old prospector. You know, he

486
00:32:58,740 --> 00:33:00,500
says, hey, four eyes, he said.

487
00:33:00,700 --> 00:33:04,480
He said, where's all them bears? Come
on, you tell me where all them bears

488
00:33:04,620 --> 00:33:06,400
or I'll chuck your hat in the puddle.

489
00:33:08,300 --> 00:33:09,400
Yet another voice.

490
00:33:11,980 --> 00:33:15,240
Well, a gift like mine, who needs
talent, I'll tell you.

491
00:33:17,710 --> 00:33:22,430
Jewish gestures and an American voice.
And the old man said, all right, he

492
00:33:22,431 --> 00:33:24,909
All right, slightly different American
accent. He said, all right, he said, you

493
00:33:24,910 --> 00:33:27,849
go up there in that mountain tonight and
you'll find a big cavern. You stand

494
00:33:27,850 --> 00:33:32,369
inside the entrance into that cavern and
you shout, woo, woo, until you hear an

495
00:33:32,370 --> 00:33:34,540
answering call. Then you get your gun
ready.

496
00:33:34,710 --> 00:33:36,450
You get your gun ready and you get it.

497
00:33:36,470 --> 00:33:42,170
So anyway, the hunter went up. I'm
getting carried away. Once I find the

498
00:33:42,230 --> 00:33:43,850
I like to talk it into all the time.

499
00:33:43,851 --> 00:33:48,999
So the hunter went up to the mountain,
and he stood at the entrance of this

500
00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:54,740
cavern, shouting, woo -woo, and suddenly
heard, woo -woo, back.

501
00:33:55,160 --> 00:33:58,650
And he got his gun all ready to shoot,
and he was knocked down by a train.

502
00:34:18,179 --> 00:34:19,979
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

503
00:34:20,040 --> 00:34:24,999
Now, as this is our very first visit to
this country, I would like to say that

504
00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:27,230
it's wonderful to be with you all once
again.

505
00:34:27,659 --> 00:34:29,360
Is it not? Is it not, John?

506
00:34:29,639 --> 00:34:30,689
Oh, sure, Celsius.

507
00:34:30,840 --> 00:34:34,939
We've got some brand new songs for you,
too. In fact, they're so new, I haven't

508
00:34:34,940 --> 00:34:36,200
heard them ourselves yet.

509
00:34:36,201 --> 00:34:40,459
We sincerely hope you're going to enjoy
them anyway, so here we go, then. Four,

510
00:34:40,460 --> 00:34:41,510
five.

511
00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:51,379
It was on a Monday morning in the middle
of the night. I dreamt that I had woken

512
00:34:51,380 --> 00:34:53,179
up. It gave me such a fright.

513
00:34:53,639 --> 00:34:59,999
I thought I got insomnia. It nearly made
me weep. But luckily, when I woke up, I

514
00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:01,120
found I was asleep.

515
00:35:01,400 --> 00:35:07,119
Thinking I'll have a drink with you.
Yes, I'll have a beer. But if I catch

516
00:35:07,120 --> 00:35:09,180
with the wife, I'll dunk you in beer.

517
00:35:13,740 --> 00:35:19,179
It was on a Tuesday morning, and the
woman I was with, she said that she was

518
00:35:19,180 --> 00:35:24,619
thirsty, and she asked me for a quid.
Oh, I could drink the river dry, says

519
00:35:24,620 --> 00:35:29,660
I do declare, says I, the river's got a
bank, so borrow a quid from there.

520
00:35:29,840 --> 00:35:35,959
Singing, I'll have a drink with you,
I'll have a gin, but if I catch you

521
00:35:35,960 --> 00:35:37,980
about, I'll bash you right in.

522
00:35:54,760 --> 00:35:58,520
It was on a Friday morning and it really
was a trial.

523
00:35:58,760 --> 00:36:02,700
The wife, she craved affection, but I
couldn't raise a smile.

524
00:36:03,160 --> 00:36:06,700
Me get up and go has got up and went,
but I don't care no more.

525
00:36:06,960 --> 00:36:10,640
When I think the places me get up and go
has got up and been before.

526
00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:16,919
Singing, I'll have a drink with you,
I'll have a stout. But if I catch you

527
00:36:16,920 --> 00:36:19,090
your wife, I'll bash your brains right
out.

528
00:36:36,291 --> 00:36:43,679
Thank you. Now, before we carry on, I
would like to introduce both of the trio

529
00:36:43,680 --> 00:36:44,730
to you.

530
00:36:45,600 --> 00:36:48,940
First of all, my name is Pete Cutter,
and I'm a Pete Cutter.

531
00:36:49,400 --> 00:36:53,719
And these two here is called the
Boggers, on account of they both work in

532
00:36:53,720 --> 00:36:54,800
bog, cutting the feet.

533
00:36:55,180 --> 00:36:58,940
Now, this here is Sean, and he is the
champion Bogger of the South West.

534
00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:01,500
Ah, he's a marvellous little Bogger.

535
00:37:01,501 --> 00:37:06,179
He has learned to clog dance in the bog,
haven't you, Sean? Oh, indeed, yes, I

536
00:37:06,180 --> 00:37:06,999
sure have.

537
00:37:07,000 --> 00:37:11,220
He spends his whole day dancing in the
bog, and that's not easy, is it, Sean?

538
00:37:11,240 --> 00:37:12,290
Oh, no, it's not.

539
00:37:12,291 --> 00:37:16,219
Because you get your feet very, very wet
in the bog when you're dancing, don't

540
00:37:16,220 --> 00:37:20,070
you? Oh, you do indeed, very wet, yes.
Especially if somebody pulls the chain.

541
00:37:20,540 --> 00:37:21,590
Now,

542
00:37:21,591 --> 00:37:25,319
in his next number, Sean is going to
give us an example of his dancing. Now,

543
00:37:25,320 --> 00:37:27,500
usually play the bones during this
number.

544
00:37:27,501 --> 00:37:31,519
But I've got a terrible headache this
evening, so I'm going to play two sticks

545
00:37:31,520 --> 00:37:32,570
of rhubarb instead.

546
00:37:33,160 --> 00:37:36,380
Here we go now, and the song is called
Thump Thump. Thank you.

547
00:37:40,560 --> 00:37:44,160
I love the girl. I take him behind the
chair.

548
00:37:44,500 --> 00:37:48,200
I don't know what to say to them because
I'm simple in the head.

549
00:37:48,420 --> 00:37:52,180
But I've got a little trick. The place
is there I found.

550
00:37:52,680 --> 00:37:56,340
I just lift up me left leg and dump it
on the ground.

551
00:38:00,750 --> 00:38:06,469
So if you're with your lady and you
don't know what to do, just remember

552
00:38:06,470 --> 00:38:08,350
little voice that I am giving you.

553
00:38:08,810 --> 00:38:14,989
If she's 18 or 80, you please her or
you'll be bound. You just lift up your

554
00:38:14,990 --> 00:38:16,670
and your thumb beats on the ground.

555
00:38:22,010 --> 00:38:23,610
I met a girl in Liverpool.

556
00:38:23,870 --> 00:38:28,510
I thought that I would try to give her a
quick relax.

557
00:38:29,130 --> 00:38:30,390
as she was passing by.

558
00:38:31,030 --> 00:38:34,030
I heard once. I heard twice.

559
00:38:34,390 --> 00:38:36,130
She stopped and gave a smile.

560
00:38:36,730 --> 00:38:40,330
We're married now, and so I can...
Hurrah!

561
00:38:40,790 --> 00:38:45,070
Come on now, we're going to do a bit of
a dance now.

562
00:38:45,750 --> 00:38:47,270
Ah, the old shillelagh is now.

563
00:39:24,880 --> 00:39:28,730
Finally, here's a little sad song with a
moral. Its title is, It Pays to Listen.

564
00:39:28,920 --> 00:39:30,660
And that's what it's called and all.

565
00:39:36,140 --> 00:39:40,899
Here's a corner of old Ireland that is
all the world to me. And I visit it as

566
00:39:40,900 --> 00:39:41,950
often as I can.

567
00:39:42,320 --> 00:39:48,019
And all I have to do is catch a bus from
North West 3 to Camden Town to see me

568
00:39:48,020 --> 00:39:49,070
Uncle Dan.

569
00:39:49,720 --> 00:39:51,360
He's an ugly man, his uncle.

570
00:39:51,600 --> 00:39:53,680
With a face like a carb uncle.

571
00:39:54,090 --> 00:39:57,730
I'll tell you why, says he, it will
break your hearts.

572
00:39:58,450 --> 00:40:04,989
The fact is, I must mention that I
didn't pay attention when the angels

573
00:40:04,990 --> 00:40:06,690
-handing round the parts.

574
00:40:09,470 --> 00:40:14,789
When the angels gave out praise, I
thought that they said trains, and I

575
00:40:14,790 --> 00:40:16,570
mine as I usually do.

576
00:40:17,960 --> 00:40:23,159
When they handed out the eyes, I thought
that they said toys, and I asked for

577
00:40:23,160 --> 00:40:24,900
one of brown and one of blue.

578
00:40:25,760 --> 00:40:31,879
When they passed out the chins, I
thought that they said gins, and I

579
00:40:31,880 --> 00:40:33,020
double one for me.

580
00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:39,559
When they gave out the noses, I thought
that they said roses, and I chose a

581
00:40:39,560 --> 00:40:41,280
great big red one, as you see.

582
00:40:42,780 --> 00:40:45,400
Oh, what a mess I'm in.

583
00:40:46,890 --> 00:40:49,650
Oh, what a mess I'm in.

584
00:40:50,810 --> 00:40:56,789
If only I had listened to the angels
when they spoke, I'd not be in the mess

585
00:40:56,790 --> 00:40:57,870
that I am in.

586
00:40:58,770 --> 00:41:04,749
When the angels gave out hair, I thought
they said fresh air, and so I asked for

587
00:41:04,750 --> 00:41:06,070
plenty up me nose.

588
00:41:07,150 --> 00:41:12,429
When they gave out the bellies, I
thought that they said jellies, so a

589
00:41:12,430 --> 00:41:14,210
pink and wobbly one I chose.

590
00:41:17,670 --> 00:41:22,370
I thought that they said beer, so I
ordered mine with handles on instead.

591
00:41:23,350 --> 00:41:29,369
When they gave out the next, I thought
that they said sex, and now I'm old I

592
00:41:29,370 --> 00:41:30,830
can't hold up my head.

593
00:41:32,070 --> 00:41:34,870
Oh, what a mess I'm in.

594
00:41:36,190 --> 00:41:38,850
Oh, what a mess I'm in.

595
00:41:40,110 --> 00:41:46,189
If only I had listened to them angels
when they spoke, I'd not be in the mess

596
00:41:46,190 --> 00:41:47,240
that I am in.

597
00:41:49,870 --> 00:41:52,590
I had to listen to them angels when they
spoke.

598
00:41:53,750 --> 00:41:56,970
I did not be in the mess that I am in.

599
00:42:20,710 --> 00:42:22,210
Now here is the late news.

600
00:42:22,670 --> 00:42:27,569
Arriving in London tonight was the
somewhat confused Japanese pilot who

601
00:42:27,570 --> 00:42:31,120
December the 12th takes a sentimental
journey and bombs Pearl Bailey.

602
00:42:36,310 --> 00:42:40,909
And the Family Planning Association's
weekend course for reluctant women has

603
00:42:40,910 --> 00:42:41,749
been cancelled.

604
00:42:41,750 --> 00:42:43,070
They've all got headaches.

605
00:42:46,440 --> 00:42:50,859
Also cancelled due to the lack of
support are the Agoraphobia Society's

606
00:42:50,860 --> 00:42:54,079
Day, the deeply

607
00:42:54,080 --> 00:43:00,300
introspective person's Open Day,

608
00:43:00,460 --> 00:43:03,500
and Eunuch's Ladies' Night.

609
00:43:06,500 --> 00:43:10,759
Last -minute fashion news. French
designer Pierre Matelot has designed a

610
00:43:10,760 --> 00:43:11,810
with three cups.

611
00:43:12,140 --> 00:43:15,270
Fashion experts say it has a two -to
-one chance of catching on.

612
00:43:15,271 --> 00:43:23,419
Whilst the nationwide survey of British
women's underwear preferences reveals

613
00:43:23,420 --> 00:43:29,419
that the most favoured garment is pants
enhanced, stays in haze, knickers and

614
00:43:29,420 --> 00:43:32,680
twickers, and in rock hole, nothing much
to speak of.

615
00:43:36,000 --> 00:43:39,999
Next week we shall be meeting the
world's greatest inverted snob. He

616
00:43:40,000 --> 00:43:42,170
his head so he can look up his nose at
people.

617
00:43:43,780 --> 00:43:47,220
And I'll be telling you of my
experiences when I was a guest.

618
00:43:47,740 --> 00:43:49,460
at an all -nude wedding ceremony.

619
00:43:49,880 --> 00:43:52,180
And I came within an inch of being the
best man.

620
00:44:00,380 --> 00:44:04,620
But until then, it's goodnight from me.
And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.

621
00:44:04,670 --> 00:44:09,220
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